Letters from Missionaries!

I got my second letter from Elder Cree Anderson today!! I absolutely love hearing from him...I miss him tons but i'm so happy that he loves it there. You can tell he's getting really homesick but maybe that's what he needs for his testimony to grow stronger! Keep him in your prayers:)

Changing

Every thing is changing. Don't know if it's good or bad, but I don't really care. I'm just up for something new and different. A shift from my normal, monotonous life. So to all of the changes coming my way: BRING IT:)

The Fam

I know my family is far from normal. But what is the definition of normal now days? THIS is our normal. I love my family so much. Some times I feel like I just can't wait to move out and get going with college but then I realize that my family is my life. Because of my situation with having to "take over" mother responsibilities, my social life has been short lived. Don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining ( Even though I feel at times like I have the right to complain). Taking care of my family is a huge responsibility in my life. Which is why my family is my life. It's like I have two sons (besides the fact that I don't pay for every thing they do like a real mom would)..and if being a teen mom doesn't complicate things then I don't know what does. My point in writing this is not to make people feel bad for me, but to express that I see what Heavenly Father is doing by allowing me to go through this "trial". I have always wanted a big family, ( my Patriarchal blessing reassures that some day I will have that (if I make the right choices... starting today) and Heavenly Father is just waiting for me to marry the right man so that He can give that to me. But He knows that righteously raising a family is going to be one of the hardest things I do in my life. So he gave me this opportunity of taking care of my brothers to prepare me for being a mother. It's really taught me that you can't expect your children to act a certain way. They have their own agency and they aren't going to do what you ask/tell them to do.It's never predictable. It's making me see that I am going to have an amazing family if I learn from this trial. I am so excited to see what He has in store for me. I know that he knows I can handle it. He knows exactly what I can and can't handle. And He is right there waiting to help me if I ever doubt myself. 

Yes. Okay? I  miss it. But that doesn't change anything.

Gotta love Mondays..

I finally have it figured out. I know what it really is, how it really works. Part of me wishes I wouldn't have had to figure it out this way. But then again, now I know everything that could have possibly happened..Could have gone wrong. Every thing has it's own unique distinctions. Their own energies. Every living thing has a unique way of expressing itself. I guess that's just how that needed to be expressed. ... so confusing. 

I'm still not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I figured it out. I wish I could still live in the world where no one dies painfully, where people don't hurt each other, and where relationships last forever. It's not bliss that comes from ignorance, it's danger. 

Brain, Please stop playing that over and over again in my head. I didn't want it to happen in the first place, what makes you think I want to watch it again. Thanks.   <3/ Me

There's truth behind every "Just kidding".

Being your punching bag helped you express how you were really feeling. I get that. It needed to happen because I wanted..I needed to know how you were feeling. I feel like i'm supposed to take it because of what I did to you. I know I suck,okay?  But I can't help but shake the feeling that that wasn't right. I feel (selfishly enough) that I still deserve to be respected. I can't let myself be happy because I can only imagine how much pain I caused you. You have the right to do whatever. Right? I think I handled it pretty well. On the outside.

Thought:

Hey. Lets be friends

Describes it to a T

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Sure we're still best friends?

I'm not giving up. I'm letting go. I know what I will be missing out on and they don't know how sad I am that i'm losing that. Every one else thinks you deserve better. So go find your "better". Please. You deserve someone who is everything that i'm not. I'm just a distraction on your way to finding what you really need. I sincerely want you to be happy. Please be happy

If you truly love them, let them go.

This is what is supposed to happen, right?

Thoughts running around in my head

I don't care if this doesn't make sense. 
I just hope that maybe you're reading this.

Stop making things harder
Stop being so nice to me
Stop blaming yourself
Stop thinking that I'm the only thing that can make you happy. As much as I want to believe that
There is something out there waiting to make you more happy than I ever could Go Find It
Just let me go.
Just be mad
Just cry
Just please don't think that I did it because I was done with you.

Im too tired to hold on. But i'm too in love to let go.
"It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does".
Please be my best friend still.
Something good is going to come from this.
All of my strength is going to trusting my Savior.
I know he can make things right for you,
Make you happy, happier than any person can.
Find some thing good for you and hold on to it.

sometimes it has to break completely in order to heal all the way.

“Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I’ve felt, letting go is the most painful yet.” 


It's not easy for me either. I wish it could have been the other way around.
Please stay safe. Don't hurt yourself because of me. Please. Do everything for yourself.
Go on a mission and tell people anything you know about the gospel.IF you want to.. Stay in school. If you feel like it. Get married..Wherever you feel is right for you. But please just do one thing for me? Don't hurt yourself.
I couldn't stand to see you more hurt than I already have. 


"It's going to be hard talking to you. it's not that I am mad at you, it's just that when I talk to you I realize how much I love you and when I realize how much I love you, I realize I can't have you and that makes me love you even more ."


This will help, if you let it.
Hold your scriptures. Look at the cover. Sleep with them. Open them up. Look at a word. Read a verse. Just holding them gives you power. Think about Heavenly Father and his plan for you. Think about praying. Get down on your knees for a few seconds. Maybe close your eyes. Ask if any one is there. Then just Listen. You don't have to open up your scriptures and start reading 5 chapters a night. You don't have to pray a certain amount of times a day. Start small. I can't help you any more. But he can. He will show you his son who is feeling the same stabbing feeling that you are. And then if you just ask him, he will take that heavy, stinging, painful, achy, exhaustion away from you. I know this will happen. Because it just happened to me. 


I've never really shared my testimony with you. So here is a portion of it...
     I know my Heavenly Father and my big brother Jesus Christ are waiting to take this weight off of my shoulders. I know the peace that comes from saying words as simple as "I can't do this any more. Please carry my pain for a little while so I can get through this." The peace will come. I know it will. Please just try this. Then it is our responsibility to tell any one that this is possible. 

Hey you!

Don't assume that I like you. Thanks:) 

Woot!

Straight A's.
The hard work is paying off.

:) ...?

It's going to be okay! Things have a way of working themselves out. So...Whatever happens, happens. Change is good.


Right?

Twenty-Four hours

We all have 24 hours in one day... So why is it so hard to find time for everyone? 

It's really hard to meet everyone's expectations and do what needs to be done. Today has been the first time in one week that I've had extra time on my hands. I wish I could be there for everyone when they needed me.But, If I want to get good grades and save money, I have to make sacrifices. That does not in any way mean that what I do not have time for is not important. I'm still figuring out how to balance everything. It feels like when I read my scriptures and keep my grades up, my relationships with every one around me start to fall apart. I don't even have time to explain how busy I am. People think that I am just ignoring them... I promise i'm not. I knew that having two jobs and dancing five days a week would give me some stressful days. So i'm not saying "poor me." I signed up this. I knew that sometimes it was going to be hard. But it's going to be worth it. 

Don't give up what you want 

most

For what you want 

now.

Tip: Stressed? "Life is moving with, or without you. So you might as well relax. You remember more and get more done when you are relaxed any way." - Wise words of ..wisdom. Thanks Dallas!

[This seriously has helped so much. I find myself so tense in class and thinking about what I need to do next...and it's definitely not helping me remember what I am doing NOW. Soooo my only new years resolution (Which I actually do remember to do every day) is to live in the present and get the most out of what I am doing in that moment. Things are so much more valuable when your entire mind is in the same place that your body is.]

Lazy days..

I never want to take this forever lazy off!!

Mission!

Called to serve in the Las Angeles, California- spanish speaking mission! Leaving on May 3rd, 2012.

Definitely a bittersweet moment! I've never been more happy and sad at the same time:) Cree Anderson will make an amazing missionary. I'm so proud of him!!

So glad to know that my entire family thinks i'm a pig.

In your message you said
You were going to bed
But I'm not done with the night

So I stayed up and read
But your words in my head
Got me mixed up so I turned out the light

And I, don't know how
To slow it down
My mind's racing

Well, I'm having the squeems
While the silliest thing's
Floppin' around in my brain

And I try not to dream
But them possible schemes
Swim around, wanna drown me in sync

And I don't know how
To slow it down
Oh, my mind's racing..

And I don't know how
To slow it down
Oh, my mind's racing

Too cute!

:) Sometimes, things like this are nice to know. Thank you<3

I'm officially a woman. I bought my first pair of black stilettos today! If ballet has done anything nice for me, its that its given me these high arches. Maybe if I wear heels more often, people won't call me "little" anymore.

Ana beheb shab.... I love boys.
Or, you could say Kyle in Arabic.....Kyle.



Love you Bailey:)

Imaginary Readers:

So... Im on pintrest now. I've pinned a total of three things, so you should follow me. One day it will be great. Just like this blog(:

Thanks mama N.

Sorry to any one I offended today.. I'm super grumpy. But in my defense "Wow, you really downed those crackers" isn't really a compliment a girl wants to hear when she's moody.

New leaf?

Goal #1: Be more positive... Unlike my last few posts:) 

Goal #2: Goals put too much pressure on people, so i'm just going to try my best and live in the moment and see where it takes me.

"My philosophy is if you didn't have enough will power to do it last year, you won't do it this year either."

                                          -Landin Hayter

Big thanks to everyone who puts up with me:) 

Also,  a shout out to the boy 

that said "Thank you very much"  every time I re-filled his drink. You were probably 3 of 400 people that used your manners last night. So thanks for making my day at work bearable.  You're awesome, stranger. Keep it up!!